Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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