so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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