i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
