you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
