there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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