So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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