This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
