Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
