the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
