Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
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