the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
