Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
