I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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