she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
