I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Randomize
