I hate your face
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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