Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
