We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
