Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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