I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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