one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
