shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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