Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
