I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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