Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
The adults are the big ones right?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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