I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
