Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
