yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
