forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Farmville is her only friend.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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