please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
