ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
