from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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