I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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