this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
