my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
