Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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