The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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