Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
