This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Drunk is not a location!
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
