508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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