Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
