life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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