I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
