I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
