So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
