she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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