I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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