did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
