Define "chronic" masturbator.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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