miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
